So eh, yeah. I don’t know how this came about. I was just thinking of something to write about and THIS happened! Hurrah. There’s probably too much dialogue, and it doesn’t really have a proper ending or message – it’s just a bit of fun. Enjoy! Oh, and the title’s based on the song by Cold War Kids.
HOSPITAL BEDS
Spike opened one eye and it met with a dazzling artificial light that gave him a headache. He closed it again and felt around him for signs of where he was. A bed, judging by the sheets and pillows. There was a beeping noise not far off, and some quiet talking going on at the other end of the room.
“Uh…” he managed to mumble. Nothing happened, so he opened his eye again. The ceiling was tiled, with boring strip lights glowing over head. The bleeping was coming from a monitor to his right, a familiar green line wiggling across the tiny screen.
Hospital. Great. Now if he could just remember how he’d got here.
“Uh…” he said again. There were footsteps and a shadow fell across him. “He’s coming round, Doctor.” A woman’s voice. Must be the nurse. Another shadow came up on his right. It smelled of mint and cigarettes. Mmm cigarettes.
“You got a cigarette, doc?” Spike mumbled to the old doctor. The man didn’t reply. He just leaned down, uncomfortably close, forced open one of Spike’s eyes and shone a light in it, causing the pain in his head to triple.
“Pupils still dilated.”
“I need a cig…”
“There’s no smoking in here, sir,” the nurse said sympathetically in a sweet southern drawl. She was holding his chart as if it were the key to his entire life, which was probably more true than Spike would have liked. He wished she’d put it down. “You’re much, much too sick for cigarettes.”
“No!” Spike said, all of a sudden feeling panicky. His head gave a horrible throb. “Never! Never…”
“Are you ok, sir?” the nurse asked. Spike was gripping the sheets as if he was having a bad dream. “Doctor, he’s still having symptoms. Over-reaction, loss of control…”
“Then apply the correct procedures, Molly,” the doctor said exasperatedly, moving on to the next patient. “You know what those are, don’t you?”
“Y- Yes sir!”
“Molly?” Spike’s voice was weak.
“Mmm?”
“You don’t smoke, do you?”
“Oh no, sir, it’s bad for you!” Molly said, getting something from a cabinet. “My ex-boyfriend did though. I thought he was just the sweetest thing in all the world until I caught him sleeping with my dirty, cheatin’ whore of a sister. And then he went and blew all his money on the roulette at Uncle Mo’s, dunno if you know it, and he got in trouble with the cops and now he’s been put away for a very, very long time. I mean, I’m just so angry at him that he could die tomorrow and I wouldn’t give a tink.”
Spike carefully raised an eyebrow. Despite being extremely cute, Molly’s bedside manner needed work. Realizing what she’d just said, Molly quickly turned to face him, blushing from a mixture of hatred and embarrassment. And before Spike could respond, she stabbed a long needle into his arm. Spike fell into a happy sleep.
“Uh…”
“You’re awake!”
“Uh.”
“And I must say that last one improved your condition a lot! You should be ok this time around, your heart rate’s back to normal anyway.”
Spike wondered where he was. He couldn’t remember anything, but his stomach was grumbling more than Faye and he wondered when he’d last eaten.
Someone forced his eye open and shone a light in it. There was a faint whiff of perfume. “Oh and your eyes are back to normal too. Well, I say normal…” Molly giggled pleasantly.
Spike felt the room come into focus. Hospital. Great. But he was feeling better as each second passed.
“Once you wake up properly you should be able to leave, it takes a little while for all the drugs to wear off. But the swelling on your arm’s gone down and everything’s just great.”
“Is there any food in this place? Real food? The type you can recognize without having to read the can.”
“Well, it’s steak day today, but by now it’ll only be vegetables.” Molly began plumping up the pillows and straightening the sheets. “I’m sorry, it’s one of those things. We run out of steak by two o’ clock and from then on it’s just broccoli and cauliflowers, you know?”
Spike groaned. No food, and probably no cigarettes. He wondered whether the nurse might have one. “Do you have any cigarettes?”
“We’ve been through that already, Mr Spiegel!” Molly said, turning red despite of herself. “And I told you there’s no smoking.”
“Man, I always wondered why I hated hospitals. I could murder a Ganymede lobster around now.”
“Sorry, sir, we don’t serve that here. I’m surprised you still like those things after what happened.”
“Huh?”
Some vague image flashed in Spike’s mind, but it wasn’t very clear.
“What’s your name?”
“Molly. Molly Wiggs. I’m only a trainee nurse at the moment and I’m not the best in my class but I get to look after the patients that need injections. I’m real good at stabbing people with needles.” She giggled again.
“It’s a good trait to have, I guess.” She checked his pulse and then gave a huge sigh that was almost a sob.
“In all honesty, Mr Spiegel, I’m going to miss you when you leave. We all will. You know, you mutter some real crazy stuff in your dreams, and me and the girls like to spend our quiet afternoons in here just to hear you. Some of it’s pretty difficult to decipher but some of it’s so funny I couldn’t have made it up if I tried! I mean, ‘Save the Ganymede Sea Rats’? Ain’t that just the cutest thing? You a pirate or something, Mr Spiegel?”
Spike cringed. They listened to him?
“How’d I get here anyway?” he said, quickly changing the subject.
“Oh the paramedics brought you in. Apparently your ship landed in the dock and nobody was paying so the dock workers broke in, found y’all looking as dead as doornails and phoned us. Well, that was around two weeks ago now. You’re the only one left.”
“The only one…?”
“… of your crew!”
“Huh? They’re dead?!”
Molly snorted, but in a nice way. “No, silly! They all left, said something about going to Ganymede to party it up until you recovered. Not a good idea if I may give my professional opinion, but it sure beats hanging around this dump, I suppose! Oh yeah, I nearly forgot! They left you a cake!”
Spike suddenly became very uneasy as Molly reached under the bed and pulled out a paper plate with what looked like a chocolate sponge plonked untidily on top, covered in cling-film. He thought it was chocolate because it was brown, but it might not have been chocolate.
“Your girlfriend made it, she said she thought you’d like it after all you’ve been through. Would you like a slice now?”
“Huh? Faye’s not my… And I’ll pass, thanks,” Spike said before Molly could unwrap it, edging away from the cake as if it were some bomb that was about to go off. “Er… So what happened to me back on the ship? I hardly remember anything.”
“Well, when they brought y’all in you had these terrible marks on you, like you’d been bitten by some kind of purple radioactive alien or something! I mean that big guy – the one with the beard and the creepy arm – he was barely even breathing! Of course we got him up and about again a few days later, same with your girlfriend.”
“She’s not -” Spike mumbled again, but Molly kept steamrollering on.
“She’s a real tough cookie, though, you two must make a real cute couple. At one point Doctor Everett said she’d have to stay in longer than expected, and she kicked him real hard in between his legs and started shouting stuff about how he’d been harassing her the whole time! He had to take the rest of the afternoon off, the poor dear.”
“Yeah, that’s Faye alright.” Spike pulled himself into a sitting position and studied his arm. It was all coming back to him now. The fridge, the lobster, the flame-thrower, the airlock… He’d set the Bebop to land on Mars! That explained the landing. So here they were. Well, here he was. Everyone else was apparently on Ganymede, sucking up cocktails while he had nothing to eat but cabbages, brussels sprouts and a not-chocolate cake.
“What about Ed?”
“Oh you mean that strange little creature that was on your ship too? She’s so darling! She took that cute puppy dog of yours to the vet, then spent sixteen hours straight jumping up and down on one of the beds in Ward 15 shouting rhymes at the top of her lungs. The doctors tried to get her to stop until she bit them and they left her alone! Must be a real whale of a time on your ship, Mr Spiegel. Y’all so eccentric, but so kind-hearted too. I wish my family were like that but we don’t get along too well. Mainly ’cause of my rotten, lousy whore of a sister… Oh, but I told you all about that bitch already, you probably don’t wanna hear any more!” Molly giggled nervously again, although thinking about her sister caused a sadness to creep over her pretty face.
“You wanna share the cake?” Spike asked, as a half-hearted attempt at comfort. While under any other circumstances the cake would’ve been floating away into the dark depths of space before you could say Sporkey Dokey, his stomach gave an angry grumble that seemed to say Listen up, pal! If you don’t eat something now I will make you suffer.
“Aww! Ain’t you a sweetheart? But it’s hospital policy never to accept gifts. I’ll cut you up a slice, though. It sure looks good!” She got a knife and fork from a cupboard and set about cutting up the cake with difficulty. It seemed to have a strange crust on top like a loaf of stale bread. Yum.
It wasn’t chocolate. Spike didn’t know what flavour it was. It was strangely bitter. Had Faye left out an ingredient, or had she added something? He nearly choked at the thought.
“Yummy, huh?”
“Mmm…” Spike mumbled, his mouth full of flat, burnt sponge. He managed to swallow the slice after chewing it gingerly for a couple of minutes. His stomach grumbled ominously.
Just then, the door of the ward swung open and the rest of the Bebop’s motley crew trooped in.
“Ganymede’s night life is so much better than I remember,” Faye was saying. “I didn’t know anyone could drink that many banana daiquiris before they started projectile vomiting.”
“It was a real sight to behold. Kinda brought a tear to my eye,” Jet sniffed.
Faye rumpled Spike’s hair and then gasped, studying his face as if he’d grown an extra eye. “Hey! He’s actually eating it!”
“You’re kidding?” Jet peered around for the evidence.
“Look there’s a slice missing!”
“He managed to cut into it?!”
“Yeah, and he didn’t even spill a crumb!”
“He must have one indestructible stomach.”
Ed said nothing.
Faye poked the cake with a finger. “I’m surprised you managed to eat that entire slice. We ran out of most of the ingredients so I had to improvise: salt instead of sugar, oil instead of butter; that kind of thing.”
Spike did gag then, but his stomach seemed to be clinging onto the not-chocolate cake like a lifeline. “I’m gonna kill you…” he choked hoarsely, and Faye pretended she didn’t hear. She’d actually gone out of her way to bake him a cake. He didn’t know whether to find it terrifying or heartwarming.
“Don’t you owe me for getting our asses back to Mars?” he said, once his voice had come back.
“We owe Ed. She’s the one who got rid of the monster.”
“What?!”
“Don’t ask me how she did it but it worked much better than your stupid macho attempt. I mean, a flame-thrower? What was that about? Boys, you always over-complicate matters. If you had any sense at all you’d leave it to the girls to solve the real problems.”
Spike was speechless. Partly because of what she’d just said, partly because the cake was still refusing to go down properly.
A few hours later, he was up and changed and feeling perfectly healthy except for a mild stomach cramp. Molly was standing behind the reception desk, ticking off the last few things on the chart.
“Do I really have to leave, Molly?” The prospect of going back to the Bebop didn’t seem all that bright and shiny now. The nurse ripped off a piece of paper and handed it to him.
“Sorry, Mr Spiegel! We’ll be sad to see you go. Here’s your bill.”
“My…?”
“25,000 woolongs altogether. 2 weeks in a bed with constant monitoring. Mr Black paid for you already, but there’s a little extra interest.”
Spike felt all the colour drain out of his face. Jet was going to kill him. His friends were all waiting for him back on the Bebop, and Ed had taken the cake as well for some reason.
“Ok, thanks Molly! Thanks for everything!”
“Bye, Mr Spiegel! Hope you manage to save the sea rats!”
Back on the Bebop, Jet was cooking dinner. It smelled wonderful. Spike’s mouth was watering as the crew sat around the coffee table, ready to dig in to whatever sumptuous meal had been painstakingly created. Jet brought it out on a silver platter. Faye gasped as the beautiful red carapace was revealed amongst a bed of lush greens.
“Isn’t that…?” she said, dazzled by its beauty.
“It sure is.”
“Oh wow, Jet!”
“You see, Spike? This is what a real Ganymede lobster is meant to look like. Not purple goop with anger issues.”
“Well excuse me for saving all your lives.”
“You owe me 25,000. I shouldn’t be letting you eat this at all,” Jet said, gruffly.
“Then why are you?” Spike grinned, ungratefully grateful.
Jet sighed, and they tucked in. Everything was back to normal.
SEE YOU, SPACE COWBOY…